Today I ache to hear your voice. There are just some days that for one reason or another it suddenly hits me how bad I wish I could talk to you, today was one of those days. I wish I could tell you about the adventure we are on, I know you would have loved to hear about Germany. I wish I could tell you all the funny things Kinsy is saying now and how much she loved trick or treat and how much she talks about her papa. I wish I could tell you how much Jack is weighing now and how he is sooooo close to holding his bottle and rolling over. How cute he looked for his first Halloween. I know on these nights that I just long to talk to someone from home you would have talked to me for as long as I wanted about absolutely nothing and I would have never felt that you were forgetting about me or didn’t have time for me.  I wish you could have heard dad tonight on the phone and how he is starting to sound like my dad again and not an empty shell of a person. I am so glad he went to Dewey and is getting back into the things he enjoys. He really had us all worried for a while. You would have loved the things he has done to that trailer, if only you guys would have left the stresses of that job earlier maybe things would have been different. There are probably 10 million ‘if only’ things I could think of, none of them change the reality of today. It has been 15 and half months since you left us. Some days it feels much shorter and some days when I try to think of what you sounded like if feels much, much longer. I like to think that you would have been proud of all of us. I like to think that your grandchildren will always feel your presence even if they were not here when you were. And I would like to think that even though I can not speak all the things I want to you, that you just know them. I listen for your answers. I wish I could hear them with my ears… but I am always listening for them with my heart. I love you mom and I miss you terribly. I know you are always in my heart, I am hoping tonight maybe you will also be in my dreams. with all of my love always, Your firstborn, Caryn Ann

Published in: on October 31, 2010 at 10:30 pm  Comments (3)  

trick or treat


I love Halloween! I think besides Christmas, this is the most fun. When else do you get to dress up and be some one or something else for a little while and get candy while doing it? The parties are always so much fun and the decorations are the best! Yesterday I took the time to back some cup cakes with my girl and decorate them for Halloween here is the end results:

 and my girl eating hers after we decorated!

 Today was the day for Trick or treating! Kinsy got into the hang of this real quick when she realized she got candy if she said trick or treat. I think she was trying to eat it all before we even made it home! This is the first yr she really got into it and had fun. She was dressed as a fairy (even though she said she was a butterfly!). I even hand-made her flower headband this morning (I am pretty proud of myself, I think it looks pretty good!). It was so exciting to watch her! And we happen to be started on our trick or treat as our upstairs neighbors were starting too. They have a 5 yr old boy and 2 yr old girl that Kinsy loves to play with. It was so fun walking around with them and seeing the kids in their costumes! And Kinsy and her little friend were walking around holding hands! Yes I did get pics, but not gonna post other kids on here with out their parents knowing. How did Jack handle his first Halloween you want to know? Well…. he slept right through the whole thing! He was dressed as Shrek and we bundled him up since it was cold out and we were walking. He must have been cozy and comfy since he slept through it all!

Now the sugar high is gone and both kids are in bed. Pictures are posted for the family in the states to see when they get on today and I am going to enjoy some time with my husband that came home last night. I am so happy he got to be here today with us and get to share this with his kids! Much love to all and Happy Halloween!

Published in: on October 30, 2010 at 8:46 pm  Leave a Comment  


That is all I can think about is how tired I am! Do new mommy’s have that fatigue wall that they hit? Is there a point where enough is enough and you just crash? This last week has been LONG… Jack has been sick, there for no sleep for me. Of course he catches up during the day, that is not an option with an active toddler! Kinsy has also decided that she no longer needs naps, this goes right along with Jack not sleeping at night. How do other mommy’s do it? The big question is when do you sleep??

The other thought that goes through my head, maybe I have OCD. I am tired, beyond tired, but I can not go to sleep unless the dishes are done, bottles are washed and the living room is picked up. I do not think I am normal! Is there a way to train yourself to not care about that stuff, or is it one of those things you either do or you don’t.

Christmas is coming up and all I really want to put on my list is sleep, lots and lots of sleep. Then of course I will miss out on time with Branden and the kids before he deploys. So sleep will probably not happen. I do not want to miss a second that we all could be together. So until Jack is healthy and learning to sleep through the night…. I guess bags under my eyes and Amp energy drinks it is! If I talk to you, or you read some post and I am really not making any sense.. now you will know why!

and ps – MY CAR GOT HERE TODAY!! I am one happy momma! Just to add to my weirdness, I really considered kissing my car right on the hood when I saw it! I never thought I would miss the momma mobile so bad! Now if my furniture would hurry and get here we would be set!

Published in: on October 27, 2010 at 5:30 pm  Leave a Comment  

good-bye perfect driving record…

Up until today my driving record had been PERFECT! I do mean perfect! I had no tickets. I had never been in an accident (in my car while I was driving, I have been passengers in accidents). My only insurance claims had been for windshields. I was very proud of this fact. Then today came along and BAM!!! no more perfect record. The really crappy part (besides the ticket) is that I do not even know where they clocked me! It happened on base and apparently I was going 43 in a 30. I honestly do not know if I was or wasn’t. It had been a long morning, we had already been to the doctor with Jack (where they changed his formula to ridiculously expensive formula), to WIC to try to get help with this formula and they will not see me until tomorrow morning. And then we went to the PX to buy Jack a boppy pillow because all he wants to do is sit up, he is not good enough to do it himself, and I am not getting anything done because of it! And then to the commissary to buy pedialyte and ridiculously expensive formula. Then on the way home all I notice is some soldier step out of a bush and start flagging me down, so I stop. Only to find out it is an MP and I was told I need to pull into the parking lot because I was speeding!!!! I was not the only car there, and there were two MP’s tag teaming writing tickets. I sat there waiting for my ticket worried about what does this mean for Branden since I received this on base and they asked me his unit and company. I got my ticket and he could not tell me how much it was going to cost and that I should be receiving something from the provost marshal in the mail and that I need to notify my husband and his chain of command!! I told Branden, he is not sure what is gonna happen. I am so disappointed in myself! But I guess if I had to be honest, it has been a good run. I am 33 yrs old and been driving since I was 16 and this is my first ticket. I guess it was bound to happen at some point!!! On a side note – of course the whole time I am waiting for him to come back with my ticket, Jack is screaming because he is STARVING and McKinsy is yelling because she is trying to outdo her brother and then asking me what we are doing and who is the MP.  When he comes back to give me my ticket all this is going on and he has the nerve to tell me to have a nice day. Really????? Does it really look like I am having a nice day or that it is going to get any better from that point on??

*** Just thought  I would add an addendum on here, when I was pulled over today for doing 43 in a 30 that is kph….. so technically speaking.. I was doing 26 in an 18 mph zone. Watch out I am one loose cannon!

Published in: on October 25, 2010 at 12:42 pm  Comments (1)  


there is just nothing like having girlfriends to hang out with and chat with. I had a surprise visit today from a lady that lives upstairs from me with her two little ones. She was on her way home and stopped by and it was great sitting here chatting and the kids playing. then a few hours later another girl that I have had a few play dates with at the park came over. We hung out, girl talked and drank some captain morgan and cokes. I had so much fun!!! My outlook had been getting pretty bleak here and I was beginning to think it was going to be a very long deployment. I am so glad that those two reached out today and showed me that all my efforts to make friends are not in vain! I can’t wait to do it again!But for now… had 3 captain and cokes.. and it is getting late and I am sure that Jack will think there is a feeding time right around the corner! So off to bed I am goin!

Published in: on October 22, 2010 at 10:09 pm  Leave a Comment  

am i too bossy?!?

short post.. might still do a longer one later…. but funny thing I just noticed. The last few days my horoscopes have basically been telling me to be nice! They keep saying that I am set on something, but not to be too pushy to the others that can not make up their minds. It keeps saying it is not fair for me to push my will on anyone if that is not what the truly want. Just thought it was funny since it has been like 3 days of that! I know I can be (ok I mean I am) bossy. I know I like to get my way, I can be pretty persuasive when I really want something. hmmmm…… I guess some food for thought….. wonder who I am being bossy to besides the kids!!! 🙂

Published in: on October 22, 2010 at 10:44 am  Leave a Comment  

all about me….

ha ha… this is my blog so it is all about me! Just kidding….  I was reading through my blog and I have come to the conclusion that it doesn’t really sound like me. Maybe the serious parts of me… but I am usually not all that serious. At times, I think that I am pretty funny, even if I am the only one laughing. So I am reading this and wondering why I sound so serious all the time? and it comes to me, I think that I am maybe afraid of offending whom ever might be reading this with my weird sense of humor. Then I realize.. that this is MY blog, MY feelings and thoughts.. and if someone doesn’t like it… well quite honestly they are free to click the little x up in the right hand corner and bug off! I am in such a mind-set here to make new friends and be nice and don’t let anyone get the wrong idea, to be “normal” until they get to know me better. But then I post that I am me and deal with it… well that is not me to play nice until you decide if you like me enough to get to know me. So here comes the real Caryn… watch out all! 🙂 Sometimes I say things that I really don’t mean the way they come out, I am at times brutally honest. If I am just keeping my mouth shut it is probably because I know that you honestly don’t want to hear what I have to say on the subject. And on occasion the famous Killingsworth sarcasm does make an appearance. I am not as quick as my dad or my brothers on the come backs… but I do have my days. But I can also be one of the most loyal friends you will ever have. I may not be the best at calling or keeping in touch, but if I had your back at one time I will have it forever. More times than I care to recall I have been screwed over because I keep going back to some detrimental friendship because I truly believe that everyone has some good in them and i keep looking for it. I don’t expect much from my friends except the same loyalty I give you and the knowledge that even if I am not calling you all the time, I do think about you. The next time we do talk, it will be like there was never any time we didn’t!

So I guess if I wrote an honest blog about today.. it would be these things that I thought of or that occurred throughout today –

1. I wonder how such little people (Kinsy and Jack) can have farts that can out do a lot of men I know. I don’t know what is going on with these two today.. but we needs air fresheners and possibly a cork for each, stat.

2. I love going to zumba, and I am glad that I am not the only one that can not move my hips like the girl teaching it. Nor am I the only one that seems completely lost most of the time.

3. I realized today that women who are not mommies can not seem to ignore a two yr old crying tantrum, the rest of us have already learned to tune it out and to be quite honest, we ‘forget’ it is even happening and are able to continue on with what we are doing.

4. that as much as I love being a mommy and I am so blessed and I love my children, there are times that I wish they would go away so I could have just one more hour of sleep! Sorry babies, I do love you, but man I miss sleep!

5. that my daughter walked around all day with her pants on backwards, unbeknownst to me, and her shoes on the wrong feet through subway and the px (again I did not notice)  and the world did not come to end because my kids were not put together perfect. That is the way of a 2 almost 3 yr old that wants to dress herself. And again being honest… this morning I was running late and it saved me the time dressing her, she did it herself while I was dressing Jack and I kept thinking how great it was that she was becoming more independent!

and now that I have all of that off my chest…. off to bed I go!

Published in: on October 20, 2010 at 10:02 pm  Comments (1)  

getting crafty!

One of the best parts of being home with my kids is being able to sit down and do crafts with Kinsy. We have been working on her shapes, numbers and colors and I decided to make it more fun by doing projects. And what a better time to start than Halloween! It is so much fun watching her putting colors together and thinking about what should go where. At the same time the perfectionist in me is having to sit back and not correct her when she wants to put the nose above the eyes, or cover a whole project in foam hearts. I have to let her express herself in her way. And I hope that I can keep these little crafts for many years and get teary eyed when I remember how much fun we had making them! We have one more Halloween one I want to make, a spider made out of a toilet paper roll and her hand prints on construction paper. After Halloween we may do some stuff with leaves and get ready for our Thanksgiving decorations! Then winter and christmas here we come! This age is so much fun! Going to leave you with a few pictures of our projects!

Published in: on October 19, 2010 at 7:05 pm  Leave a Comment  


Today was a day of lessons! lesson #1 today – one Zumba class that totally kicks your ass will also completely motivate you to lose that baby weight! I had to talk myself into going today, and I am so glad I did! It am sore and tired.. but it is a good sore and tired. I thought I was gonna die during the class, but amazingly enough as soon as it was over I could not wait for the next class. It was amazing even though I had to use my inhaler and I was sweating like a pig! lol I have 30 lbs I want to lose, well to be honest, I will be happy with 30 lbs.. but 40 would be oh so much better! I can do it, I know I can. I have done it twice before. But babies will put that weight right back on you! So I found my motivation today and I am hoping that I can stick with it. I even ate a healthy breakfast before going and when I got home I ate a healthy lunch (didnt want to ruin all that work that I just did!)  May even see if there isnt some way for me to get into the Friday night belly dancing class! Woo hoo go me!

Lesson #2 – It is really, really, really hard to make friends as an adult. I have been here for a month now and I feel like I am really putting an honest effort into making friends. I really do not know what the issue is. I know that a lot of the girls I am meeting are A LOT younger than me.. usually 9 – 10 yrs. I do not expect to get a long with all of them that I meet. I just don’t know. I sometimes wonder if growing up in such a small town  where we graduated with people we went to kindergarten with didn’t teach me to learn how to make friends. We all pretty much grew up together and all knew each other for as long as we could remember. I think that ones that moved into the town had to make friends with us rather than vice versa. Does that make any sense?? I do know that I am me, end of story. I am too old to play the high school games and I have no desire to sit around and watch others do it. If you do not like me, well I am sorry, but I am not going to change. So I guess I will just take my time and make friends that will be true to me. Until then… well I have one friend I have made, Yashira, I know she is a great person and will be true! and I have my kiddos, they don’t have a choice, they are my friends regardless! 🙂

On a cute note – took the kids with me to Zumba today. Jack was an angel the whole time in his car seat and Kinsy.. well she was out there trying to do the moves with us! Think that next time I will put her in leggings or sweats instead of jeans so she can work out! I had promised her that she could play with kids there (I had heard that there was other kids that went) and of course there was none. She was very sad that she didn’t get to play with kids, so I promised to take her to play group in the afternoon. We went and just our luck, she was the only kid that showed up to afternoon play group! I felt so bad for my girl today. She did play with all the toys at play group and we sang songs and she played the drums. I told her we could go again Wed. I sure hope there is kids there for her to play with!

Published in: on October 18, 2010 at 6:58 pm  Comments (2)  

quiet days…

some of my favorite days are the ones that you never get out of your pajamas! Unfortunately today was not one of those days, I really wanted it to be, but the mommy duty called as we had no milk in the fridge and formula was getting low.  So we did have to get dressed to go to the store, but as soon as we got home I was back in my pajamas. There is just something about those days that you just hang out with your family and watch tv, play games and snack your way through the day. I am glad we don’t get them every day, because then they would not be so special.

 The only thing missing in our day today was Branden. I was really missing him today and I think the kids were too. Kinsy heard my cell phone ring after she had already been put in bed and she has already learned the only one that calls that phone is her daddy. She got back up so she could tell him that she missed him and loved him. Some days this army life is just rough. And some days you wonder “did we make the right decision? Is this time apart really what is gonna work for our family?” And really there is no answer to that … even if we decide today we don’t like it, we are stuck with it.. for at least 2 more years. So you gather yourself up, wait for the phone call or text so you can tell him you love him, get hugs and kisses from your kids instead and keep on moving. I also think that the quiet days here in Germany make Branden’s void even more noticeable, there really is no distractions here with family and friends. I have met a few, but not like the ones at home, at least not yet. And sometimes that makes the lonely times even lonelier, the time difference to the states definitely does not help either.

I guess it was just one of those days, really mixed emotions. I love the lazy days, but wish we could have the whole family here to spend time together. Thank god i have my children on these days. Their hugs, kisses and smiles make these days so much easier.

Published in: on October 17, 2010 at 8:05 pm  Leave a Comment