Today I ache to hear your voice. There are just some days that for one reason or another it suddenly hits me how bad I wish I could talk to you, today was one of those days. I wish I could tell you about the adventure we are on, I know you would have loved to hear about Germany. I wish I could tell you all the funny things Kinsy is saying now and how much she loved trick or treat and how much she talks about her papa. I wish I could tell you how much Jack is weighing now and how he is sooooo close to holding his bottle and rolling over. How cute he looked for his first Halloween. I know on these nights that I just long to talk to someone from home you would have talked to me for as long as I wanted about absolutely nothing and I would have never felt that you were forgetting about me or didn’t have time for me.  I wish you could have heard dad tonight on the phone and how he is starting to sound like my dad again and not an empty shell of a person. I am so glad he went to Dewey and is getting back into the things he enjoys. He really had us all worried for a while. You would have loved the things he has done to that trailer, if only you guys would have left the stresses of that job earlier maybe things would have been different. There are probably 10 million ‘if only’ things I could think of, none of them change the reality of today. It has been 15 and half months since you left us. Some days it feels much shorter and some days when I try to think of what you sounded like if feels much, much longer. I like to think that you would have been proud of all of us. I like to think that your grandchildren will always feel your presence even if they were not here when you were. And I would like to think that even though I can not speak all the things I want to you, that you just know them. I listen for your answers. I wish I could hear them with my ears… but I am always listening for them with my heart. I love you mom and I miss you terribly. I know you are always in my heart, I am hoping tonight maybe you will also be in my dreams. with all of my love always, Your firstborn, Caryn Ann

Published in: on October 31, 2010 at 10:30 pm  Comments (3)  

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Oh, Caryn. i wish i could give you a big hug! Believe that your mama is proud of you. Believe that she is watching over you and your sweet babies.

  2. Caryn, I don’t know if you remember me but I grew up with your mom. I wrote you about your mom a while back. I have been reading your blogs ( enjoying each one of them) and all I have to say is I may not have been close to your mom after our school days but I KNOW HER AND YOUR DAD ARE VERY PROUD OF HOW YOU HAVE BECOME A WIFE/MOMMY AND WOMAN. YOUR MOM MAY NOT BE ABLE TO READ YOUR POSTS BUT PLEASE KNOW THAT SHE IS WATCHING OVER YOU AND SHE IS DEFINITELY PROUD OF HER DAUGHTER….. Sorry I know you don’t know me from Adam but after reading this one I felt the need to write. You can pat yourself on the back anytime from me. Your doing a great job. Keep it up… PS I’m glad to hear that your dad is doing better… Jeanine

    • awww Thanks Jeanine! And yes I remember you!

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