ready to slow down….

So Christmas is over, Kinsy’s birthday party was today, her actual birthday is tomorrow. It is hard to believe my baby girl will be 3 yrs old tomorrow! Christmas was great, Santa spoiled us all. We got to talk to almost all of our family in the states. I didn’t get to talk to my brothers on Christmas Day, but I did Skype with them the day before so that is ok. I got my circut for Christmas, YAY!! I can not wait to get some scrap booking stuff so I can get on the move making stuff! After all of the Christmas excitement, making dinner for my family then cleaning that up, putting kids to bed, I decided it was time to attempt to make Kinsy’s birthday cake. This year she wanted a Spongebob party… I was up to 11:30 last night decorating her cake. But the final outcome looked pretty good! Here is what it looked like:

I think I did a pretty good job! Go mommy! We had her party today and it went great.

Now I just don’t know how I feel though. It is over. Time for things to quiet  back down. A few more days and 2010, the chaotic year it has been, will be over. But that means that it will be 2011, and for the majority of that year I will be alone with my kids in a foreign country. I keep putting on a brave face. I am making big plans for the year. Even though the closer it gets the faster my heart starts to beat and the less sleep I am  getting at night. I feel myself getting snappy. I know I am snapping at Branden and Kinsy, heck I find myself getting short with Jack. Baby Jack who is not quite 6 months!! The other day I was convinced that I really did not like Jack much, I was also going on maybe 2 hours of sleep and I was not feeling well. We have all been sick, which really does not help during the holiday stress. Poor Jack is sooo congested he keeps choking on mucus. It has been 2 weeks and I think when the clinic opens tomorrow I will be taking him in and begging for them to give him something. I worry all night long about him choking and quitting breathing. I have read so many things on baby center boards this last few weeks about babies dying and becoming fatally ill. ( I know, I know, I need to quit reading those.). It just makes you realize that life is precious and you just never know when your last day with someone will be your last day. I have been worrying about that with Jack at night more and more it seems. I wake up all night to check to make sure he is breathing, I have even moved him into our bed so I can be next to him. Is it possible to get post pardem anxiety so late after having him? I don’t know, maybe I am just turning the anxiety of Branden leaving over to someone/something else.. like Jack. I hate to talk to Branden about this or the rest of my family for that matter, they all say I am a hypochondriac. So when I am truly dealing with something none of them believe me and they blow me off. Almost to the point of making fun of me. I did have post pardem depression right after Jack, and was put on medicine, but I stopped that right after I got here. I thought being in Germany would make it stop. Maybe I was wrong. I think I will call and make an appointment for me also this week to go talk to someone.

This post has really turned more into a vent of some sorts.. maybe I should just delete it. Naw… I think I will post, all jumbled up and all. This is really how I am feeling at this moment.

I hope everyone had a great holiday with their families. Take your loved ones and hold them tight tonight.

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Published in: on December 26, 2010 at 7:04 pm  Comments (1)  

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. You are facing so much in the coming year, Caryn. If you can find someone to talk to, it can only help! Hugs to you from here 🙂


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