closer and closer…

Every day we are one day closer to D day, deployment day. Every day I wake up and my heart aches a little more and every night I go to bed wondering just how this is gonna go down. We are getting to the point where almost everyone I know either 1.) has hubby gone already or 2.) they are packing up. In our house it is packing up time. It is time to review the game plan, time to make sure I have every single piece of legal paper I may need for the next year. This is our first deployment and I am not as sure of my feelings as all these other wives who have been through this before. They are able to write these beautiful pieces on the way they feel and I instantly feel a connection to each one. I just can not get all my feelings down like that. Sure we were separated almost all of 2010, but that was different, I was not sending him off to a combat zone dressed in armor and carrying a gun. Do I worry? Yes, every single minute of every single day. I worry about Branden, I worry about where he is going, I worry about how his living conditions will be, I worry about if they will have the capabilities to keep us in contact via phone and internet. I worry about Kinsy and Jack. Kinsy does not want to discuss daddy leaving but I have been watching her play and I know she knows it is coming. I have talked to her preschool teacher about her lack of wanting to discuss it. I worry about telling her that daddy has to go to work, I don’t want her to think every time I say he is going to work that he is not coming back for a year. So I have been telling her the Army said that Daddy has to move away from us for a little while. Jack is too little to understand, but it is so sad to see him at the stage where he gets excited when he sees his daddy and to know he won’t see him for a whole year. I worry about if I will be able to handle this. I know I am strong, I know I am independent, but what do I say in those moments that all Kinsy wants is to talk to her daddy? What do I do in those moments that every mom has that I just can’t take ONE MORE MINUTE of crying/screaming/toys whatever. We all have those minutes, who do I pass the kids off to? I have made some great friends here, friends that truly understand what I am going through, the thing is… they are all going through it also. I know myself, I know that when I need a break I will not want to ask them, I will not want to make their burden even greater. If they do not need a break yet why should I?

All of these uncertainties…. yet I am certain of these things: I love my husband more than I could ever explain to anyone. I am willing to support him and his job. I am willing to be both mommy and daddy when ever the times that I am needed to. I feel a swell in my heart every time I tell someone my husband is a soldier. Whenever I hear the Army song or the National Anthem…. I get a tear in my eye. The day my hubby leaves I will be the last to hug him, his last piece of home and the day he comes home, I will be the first to hug him also. Although I know that my good-bye will be hard and my year at home will be hard, I am sure it is nothing compared to him leaving his children and doing the job he will be doing. That no matter what … I will stay strong, for my kids and for my husband and ultimately for my country. So that my hubby can go protect our flag and our freedoms and know without a doubt that I am at home protecting our children and our marriage!

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Published in: on February 19, 2011 at 7:20 am  Leave a Comment  

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