heartache…

Every day I wake up and my first thought of the day is Branden and praying for his safety and every night my last thought is the same. Some days during this deployment I feel like I am on top of this, that I have this deployment completely under control. Other days, I feel like throwing a middle finger up and saying “F*** you deployment, you win!”. For the most part, we just stick to our routine and make it through one day at a time. But occasionally I have those days or those moments, where missing him is an actual pain. Not just a passing thought or a wish you were here moment, but an actual hurt. There are times that my chest feels tight, my heart actually feels like it is aching. I never know what is gonna bring on that pain. It may be the kids doing something super cute that I suddenly realize he is missing or like today…. Memorial Day….. a day of constant reminders of my soldier and the sacrifices he is making. I love my soldier and I am proud of him and the sacrifices he makes. Some days though I just wish for a normal life. We had that once, we were able to always be together and BBQ on weekends and hang out with our friends and see our families. But then we never had that sense of pride that we have now. We would have never been able to live in Europe. We wouldn’t be able to have a true hero in our lives. As hard as this life is, I don’t want to change it. I think this is what he was meant to do. I think being an Army wife is what I was meant to do. I think that my children will be strong enough to handle this life and the separations from their dad. So on this day… I just want to say thank you. Thank you to my husband, my brother, my uncles that served and grandfathers that served. Also thank you to all the men and women that are currently serving. The biggest thank you goes to the men and women that gave their lives for our freedoms and their families for being strong enough to stand behind them and be left behind. On this Memorial Day, even though my heart is aching from missing him so much, I will remember you all and pray for the safety of the ones serving and for peace for the families of the heroes left behind. Happy Memorial Day. And Branden Payne, I love you, I will always love you, you hold the key to my heart now and forever. I will always be home waiting for the day that we get to see you again!

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Published in: on May 30, 2011 at 7:24 pm  Leave a Comment  

what I learned this last week…

I miss my husband! LOL! No seriously, I am never, ever, ever and one more ever gonna move without him again. Thank God for great friends that were here to help me out! I don’t know how I would have done it without all the help I got. Now I am just putting everything away. I have decided that it is no fun to put it away alone either, at least not with the help of a 3 yr old and 10 month old! I also can not decide how to put my living room furniture and quite honestly McKinsy is no help with that one. 😦 I sent Branden a message that we may be rearranging furniture when he comes home. I really thought that I was pretty smart, until I tried to hook the Wii and Playstation and surround sound back up, then decided that the kids and I will live without that stuff until Branden comes home on R&R!! And those dressers that come in the box for you to put together yourself… well there should be a warning on them that you need some kind of engineering degree. That damn thing took me two days and I have a callous on my hand from all the screws I had to screw in! Kinsy also is not very good at interior decorating, but she is great at throwing her stuff in the boxes to be brought over!

On a more positive spin though – I learned that when it comes down to it… I can get the job done. I am capable of setting my pride aside and asking for help. That even though I thought about putting that dresser aside, I pushed through and took my time and it is done and it looks great! That the house will eventually get unpacked, I am only one person with two small kids and there is only so much I can do in a day! I can’t wait for Branden to come home and see his new house!

And cute moment of the day – First thing this morning Kinsy, Jack and me were cuddled on the couch watching Disney channel. We have not had tv for 3 days so this was exciting, but the cute part is Kinsy hugged Jack and told him that he is her best friend and he smiled at her and kissed her! I so love my kiddos and I love watching this bond between them develop! Now off to fill that dresser I built and then get ready and maybe give my kids a break at the park today!

Published in: on May 29, 2011 at 8:14 am  Leave a Comment  

battle of wills……

I have decided that the war between mother and daughter, adult and child, the rule maker and the rule breaker has officially started. I have also decided that I HATE the age of 3! Maybe hate is a pretty strong word, some days she is cute and she is very funny. Those are the days that make me forget that under that sweet little voice and cute smile lies a 3 year old. If you have had a 3 year old you know what I mean. The following is what I am quickly learning that being 3 means:

It means occasionally they will dress themselves, until you are in a hurry and then they will lay there like a limp rag and suddenly they don’t remember how to do it or they can put their shoes on when they are throwing a fit to go out, but if mommy wants to get out the door quick they: A. they don’t know where they took the damn shoes off and B. the suddenly forgot how shoes work!

It also means they will tell you how starved they are, make them a healthy meal and they sit and stare at it, then when they finally convince you that they are full and you throw it away, it never fails that 15 minutes later they will ask for some kind of crap!!!!

A 3 year old has no problem demanding for stuff to be done for her, but let me ask her how to do something to help me out and suddenly she is a deaf-mute!!!!!!

 A 3 year old has the attention span of a gnat… they may start off cleaning up the toys, until one catches their eye, then they forget all about cleaning, bed time or anything else that happened before they saw that toy. They will also look at you like a deer caught in the headlights when you ask them what they are doing and why they are not cleaning!
 
And I do not know who tells them on their 3rd birthday that they have a say in what rules are being made! But if I find that person I will put them over my knee and send them to bed with no dinner! 
 
I know that those of you with older children are going to tell me that this is just the beginning, that she will continue to test me for the rest of her years. This is only the beginning of her talking back and thinking that she knows everything. So I am officially putting my game face on and saying BRING IT! This momma is prepared for battle! 
 
Published in: on May 2, 2011 at 5:56 pm  Comments (2)