Paynes in Texas!

Wow life has been crazy since the last post! I just read the last one and it said we had 80 some days until we left Germany and here we are, 2 months since we have been in the states! Leaving Germany was exciting and sad and annoying all at once. It seemed like we had all the little details of our move forever except for that little paper that would actually let us start the process! We finally got those orders about 3 weeks before we left. It was a crazy three weeks of packing and scheduling pick ups and out processing. Saying good-bye to our friends was pretty rough. Luckily the Army is a small world. Two of my friends are here in Texas with me and I am sure I will see the others somewhere along this path again. ūüôā The trip from Germany to Texas was smooth and uneventful. The kids did fantastic as usual on that really long flight (it is 11 hours!), they are turning into being old pro’s at it. That was their 4th time doing the flight, I think they are getting used to it. It was nice to have Branden with me this time though, it was the first time I had help on the flight. It made it much more enjoyable for me! LOL We got into Dallas on June 4th and the next day rented a car and went car shopping! Found our little Kia Sorrento that day, returned the rental car and packed up our hotel and we were on the road the following morning to AZ! It was a 15 hour drive, kids again did great. They watched their movies on the portable dvd player, played with¬†each other¬†and slept off and on the whole drive. Very little whining and crying. It was great! We spent the next month in Arizona going between Phoenix, Prescott Valley and Showlow. We saw all of our family, the majority of our friends, had a couple grown up nights out, went to the rodeo (where Kinsy rode the mechanical bull!!), had Jack’s second birthday party at Peter Piper Pizza. It was a very busy month and we had a great time seeing everyone. To be honest though, that last week I was ready to be in our own house and to stop travelling and living out of suitcases. The kids were getting crankier and needing a little more discipline than normal. Mommy was getting crankier and having a shorter fuse. It was time to get our lives back together. Luckily for us, the housing office called us while we were still in AZ and said a house was ready for us on post and we even got upgraded to a 4 bedroom. The only drawback, we had to sign on it unseen or we would lose it. So we crossed our fingers and signed for it and sent our friend to go pick up our keys. A couple days later we packed up our UHaul (yes we acquired that much stuff in the month we were there! We had a lot we had left behind!), our kids and the dog (yes Jager came back to live with us, something we were soooo excited about!) and started the long journey back to Texas, 18 hours, to be exact! I will be honest and say the kids were not the best travellers this time around. They were cranky and whiny and tired of being in the car and travelling. I can’t say I blame them. I was so happy when we finally made it to our new home!

Our new house in Texas is….. well…… different. I do not like the layout of this house as much as I did my house in Baumholder. I feel like it is smaller even though we have an extra room. We moved into a six-plex and we are the middle one and it is a two story house. It doesn’t have very many upgrades. On a positive note though, it does have a fenced in backyard and my neighbors are super nice. We spent the first 3 weeks with nothing but camping chairs and air mattresses and cheap walmart plastic dishes! It was the longest “camping” trip EVER! lol Then the end of July we got my car back and all of our household goods in. It was like Christmas in July. Since then we have been unpacking boxes and trying to make this our home. It is starting to come together and starting to feel more like ours. I forgot to mention that Fort Hood is HUGE!!!! The first time I went to the commissary I am pretty sure I tripped over my jaw a few times! It was so big and there was such a huge selection of everything, nothing like Baumholder! I have learned my way to the important places so far. I have not got the courage to drive off post yet. Killeen is big and I have no idea where everything is and I do not have my permanent stickers on my car yet, just my German plate, so it makes me nervous. I think I am going to try it within the next few days though. Which leads me to the the next topic!…

Kinsy is starting Pre-K!!! We are all so excited for her! The school is just down the street so I will be able to walk her to and from school. She is super excited to be going to the big kid school! Now just have to take her school shopping for her first day outfit and new shoes and her supplies (hence the reason I am going to have to leave post soon!). I am hoping now that things are starting to settle down I can write more on here. There is so much I left out of this one, otherwise it would be a novel! I will try to add a little more each day and then I can fully catch up!

Published in: on August 8, 2012 at 3:50 pm  Leave a Comment  

our ever changing life….

Once again, life is changing! It seems like I had finally gotten into a great routine before Branden had come home. We had preschool three mornings a week, gymnastics one afternoon, speech therapy another afternoon and various appointments through out the week. I also somehow managed to keep a clean house and laundry caught up. Then Branden came home. I knew that for the first few weeks our life would be topsy turvy. We would be catching up and spending time together. For that, the house and the laundry could wait. Kinsy still went to school. But gymnastics and speech got put on hold for family vacation time. The first week was re integration, so he would leave in the am and I would TRY to get the kids ready for the day and Kinsy to class. But it seemed he would only be gone 2-3 hours and then home again. I was so glad that he didn’t have to be gone long, but didn’t give me much time to get anything done. Then we went on vacation for a week. It was a FABULOUS week spent in the Bavarian Alps. We played in the snow, went to Neuschwanstein Castle (it is the castle that Disney has based their castle off of) and walked through the city of Munich (which I loved!). We ate traditional Bavarian food and drank fantastic beer! lol Then back to reality, or so I thought! Branden went back to work on Monday and was home an hour after he went. There is little to nothing for them to do right now. So basically they go to PT early in the am, go to formation at 9:30 and then home until 15:30 when they have PT again and come home. Again, not much time for me to get anything accomplished. Branden also had surgery on his eyes this last week, nothing major, it is like lasik but called PRK. Now he is on convalescent leave for a week. The point of all of this above is….. MY HOUSE IS TRASHED! lol and it is driving me insane! I don’t feel like I can get back into the groove of things. I love that he is home, I love seeing him with the kids and hearing the kids talk to him. I love to have another adult around all the time and better yet it is my best friend, the person I can talk to about everything. I love my bed not feeling so empty at night. BUT….. I hate the laundry piling up, the dishes in the sink, the appointments we are late for, the RUSHED feeling I have all the time. I am not sure at this point how to get back into the groove if life. I feel like everything is in fast forward.

We are also now on a countdown. Right now we are 83 days away from leaving Germany! Awesome right?? Well yes and no….. I can’t wait to get out of here and be back in the states. In true Army form though,¬† we are in hurry up and wait mode. We know it is coming, we even know that most likely we will end up in Fort Hood, Texas with a report date in the beginning of July. Until we have those orders in our grubby little fingers, there is not a damn thing we can do with that knowledge!! We can look up websites of our new post and check out local rentals for houses (all which we have done!). There is just no scheduling ANYTHING for the move. The military will come pack us up and before they come I have to decide what we will take with us, what goes in our household goods, what goes in unaccompanied baggage and what I will ship on my own. I just hate to start doing that too early and I have NO IDEA if right now is too early!! I also have about a million and one questions about the move and no one to ask them to right now since we have no definite orders! Argh!!!!! For a type A person this can be very, very frustrating! I am learning to curb my type A obsessions, there are just times that it all gets the best of me!

So right now I am trying to learn again to just breathe. I am sure I had all these feelings when Branden first left. I vaguely remember feeling like I had no routine and things were chaos. I guess it took 11 months for me to feel comfortable in the new routine, it is going to take some time to find this routine. I also need to realize that it just might not happen before we get to the states. I should prepare for the worse and be pleasantly surprised if it turns out easier than I thought! I am trying to remember that no one but me cares if there is laundry on the love-seat or dishes in the sink. No one has run out of clean socks or underwear yet, so I must not be that far behind in the laundry! We will get orders when we get orders, nothing I can do will rush that process along. We are not the first person to PCS and this is not the first time the people here have done it, so I am sure it will run smoother than I am anticipating. I also am a naturally super organized person, so when it comes time to pack, things are already put together anyways.  So it is time to STOP and BREATHE and enjoy my last few weeks in Germany, who knows when we will get back here again!

(and thanks for reading my rant/vent! I feel much better now that I got that all off my chest!)¬† ūüôā

Published in: on March 11, 2012 at 10:19 pm  Leave a Comment  

He is home!!!

I guess it is time to update! Branden made it home about 3 weeks ago and things have been going crazy ever since. Just like our luck that we had on R&R, Branden’s first night home the stomach flu struck our house. It started with Jack that Sat. night and by Monday we all had it. What a way to get thrown back into parenting! He did good though and we all stuck it through. After almost a week we were all feeling good enough to actually enough being together, LOL.

With every redeployment there is a re adjustment phase. That is currently what we are going through. The kids and are excited to finally have daddy home with us and he is glad to be home too. All of us just have to change the attitudes and routines we have had for the last year +. I am used to doing things all alone and being the only boss and everything runs on MY schedule. I am learning to ask for help and not expect that he just knows what needs to be done. I am also trying to be more patient that not everything runs on my schedule, but honestly, that one is a little harder to manage. I find myself getting very aggravated when I am waiting. I also am having a hard time with the mess I am having around the house with military stuff and picking up after another adult. But I am working on it. Even though the kids are excited he is home, they have been used to coming to me for the last year. I am trying to get them to understand that they can go to dad and that dad also makes rules. Kinsy especially has had a lot of hurt feelings when daddy is trying to make her do something and she is not listening. And since I was the only rule maker for the last year, Kinsy is convinced that if daddy says no, I should be able to change his mind! Not working out real good for her! Jack just likes having a guy around. Someone to wrestle with and play trucks and do boy stuff. He has totally been in his glory. As far as how Branden is adjusting… well I am not real sure. Our biggest issue right now is communication. I guess he just got so used to not talking to anyone for a year that he doesn’t even talk to me now. I am trying to open him up, but it normally makes him upset. So I have been backing off. I am a little upset on the day they were all supposed to see the psychologist that no one called Branden. He went to work that day at the shop and no one was there so he came home. Apparently they were all in counselling. I really wish he would not have missed that day, but if I say anything he gets upset. So for right now we are just riding that one out. He did lose a lot of weight while he is gone, so we are really trying to put some of that back on him. I swear he eats non-stop! Which is horrible for me losing weight, LOL!

Speaking of my weight loss, I am very proud of myself, down 11 lbs!!! I have been doing this for like 8 weeks now, so not a HUGE change. But the numbers on the scale are still down and so are the numbers on the tape measure. I just started back at the gym today since now I can leave the kids with Branden to go. I have about 25 more pounds before I hit my goal, but it is heading in the right direction so I am pretty proud of myself!

Jack hit a bit milestone and switched from his crib to a toddler bed. So far we are still struggling a lot with it. Little sleep going on in this house. Branden said he does not want to put the crib back together, so I guess we are just gonna be toughing it out! I hope he catches on soon though, I really miss sleeping through the night! Kinsy is doing great in speech and gymnastics. She has two boyfriends in her class at preschool, Gabriel and Kaleb. Last week Kaleb brought her a pretty purple bracelet, she wears it all the time. Then today they did their Valentines and Gabriel brought here a necklace and bracelet and Kaleb brought her a ring! It totally cracks me up and at the same time I am wondering if this is what preschool is like what are we gonna do in High School??? Right now it is all innocent and cute and I have even marked it down in her baby book, I can’t wait to tease her about it when she gets older!

That is about it on the updates! This week is just going to be catching up and dental visits and other doctor visits and then next week we our off on our mini vaca!!! Going to be spending 4 days in the Bavarian Alps at Edelweiss in Garmish¬†and taking day tours to Munich and Neushwanstein Castle! And planning lots and lots of swimming time in the pool with the kids. Hopefully massage time for mommy and daddy too! ūüôā

Published in: on February 13, 2012 at 12:04 pm  Leave a Comment  

2012…..

So we are a week into 2012… and not much has changed. I couldn’t¬†wait for 2011 to get over, it seemed like the longest year of my life! We are soooooo close to the end of this deployment. I just wish it would get here already! I keep seeing people making their resolutions and talking about hopes and dreams for this year, honestly, I just can’t do it. I can’t think past our reunion. I just want to be a family this year, plain and simple. I am hoping that we are looking towards going back to the states, but not gonna hold my breath on it happening anytime soon. Really the only thing I want from 2012 is to be a complete family. I want to spend time together¬†and not be a single parent. I want my kids to know what it feels like to have their dad around and I want to remember who my best friend is and what it is like to have his companionship! I really do not think I am asking a lot this year. I would like to lose some weight and I am working on that. But not going to make that a resolution, because then I am bound to fail. If it happens, it happens. If not, well as long as we are all together I will be happy and I will keep working towards it.

Not much else to write about, not much else I think about right now, lol. The kids are doing great. Kinsy is such a big girl right now! Turning 4 has made some kind of difference! She decided that Jack needed his diaper changed tonight. She got a diaper and went to the blanket we use to have him lay down, she told him to lay down (he did) she asked him to lift his legs up to hold his butt up (he did) she took the wet one off¬†and put a fresh one on him and then told him to put his legs down (he also did that) and then she fastened the tabs! It wasn’t exactly straight, but she did a great job! I was really proud of her! I was also amazed at how well Jack listened and followed directions. Lately he has been understanding so much more. I can give him simple directions and he will follow them or I can ask him where something is and he will go look for it. He is getting so big also. I am starting to question if he is ready for a big boy bed. I just don’t know. I don’t know if I question it because maybe I am not ready for it yet. He is my last baby. Once the crib goes down, it is the last we will ever use it. I am not sure I am ready to put it away yet, lol. For now my plan is just to wait for daddy to come home and let this be a decision he gets to be part of! Let him help me train Jack to sleep in a big boy bed!

Speaking of beds, I am pretty sure mine is calling my name right now….. so until next time…… XOXOXOXO

Published in: on January 6, 2012 at 8:08 pm  Comments (1)  

Wow……..

So September 8th huh?? That was my last post and well…. that is just pitiful. I have actually been thinking about this blog quite a bit lately, thinking about how neglectful I have been. Then two of my facebook friends and fellow army wives updated theirs after a neglectful period and truth be told, I felt like if they could, I should too!

I sit here writing this tonight from the floor of Jack’s bedroom. It seems that my little guy now has problems going to sleep on his own. I refuse to take him out of his crib and he refuses to quit screaming. So our compromise is that I sit on the floor in his room until he goes to sleep on his own. I am hoping that this will get him back into the good habits he had before our trip to the states…… speaking of which….. I guess I should fill in the blanks since Sept. 8th!!

Highlights: Saw Trace Adkins in concert, man is he HOT! That voice melts me! Kinsy is in three day¬†preschool and absolutely loves it! She finished the soccer year and got her very first trophy (not so hot on actually playing the game, she spent more time on the sidelines crying that they took the ball from her!). She is still in gymnastics and doing great. She goes to speech therapy once a week and is doing amazing! Her speech is so much clearer and she is constantly practicing at home. I am amazed every day at the conversations we hold now. And if I don’t understand something she is saying she works very hard to use her sounds correctly to make me understand. Princesses are still her favorite right now along with her polly¬†pockets and her barbies. She is starting to get interested in writing letters (her name more than anything) and is turning 4 years old tomorrow!! Jack is my little wild man, I joke and say his name should have been Evel¬†Knievel¬†Houdini Payne! He is into everything and if he can’t get into it, well than he is gonna climb it! And he is so quick, here one sec and gone the next! He can say momma, dada, hello, hi, all done (speaking and sign), more (sign), whats this, wants this, bye bye, up, down, i¬†dance. And a few other things that I am still not a 100% but he says them pretty regularly, so I am sure that they are a word LOL. He loves his cars and loves to drive them everywhere, including up and down me or his sister. We are usually dragging at least on car with us wherever we go. His best bud is Jake and they do everything together. He has the cutest smile and he is pretty sure that his dimples are gonna get him out of all the troubles in his life. hmmm……

The kids dressed up this Halloween as the Little Mermaid and Woody from Toy Story. They were the cutest little things I had ever seen. Jack’s buddy Jake went as Buzz Lightyear. Everywhere we walked people commented on the boys and told Kinsy how beautiful she was. By the end of the night Kinsy came up to me and was so proud saying everyone loved her mermaid dress! The day after Halloween we spent packing and then we left the following day to the states. We visited for 5 weeks there. While there we saw ALL of our family, my sister got married, cousin remembered what it was like to have cousins to play with and Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents. Both kids were spoiled, I got occasional breaks and got to go hang out with my friends. There were a few stressful situations, but all in all I was glad I got to see everyone. 5 weeks though is a very long time, not so sure I would do it again for that long. I missed my home (so weird to think of Germany as home!). But we survived two international trips! (not sure I want to do that again on my own either!)

Then back to Germany and trying to get into our old routine. Jet lag sucks ass and then as soon as that passes we get a sick baby :(. Kinsy only had school two days and gymnastics once before the Christmas break, so we are excited for that to start back up. Christmas turned out much better than I expected since it was going to be our first without Branden. We have amazing friends here who helped make it a special day even without the daddies around! The kids were very spoiled and got everything they asked for and then some! I got a beautiful necklace that has all of our birthstones and McKinsy and Jackson on it. Branden had it shipped here so I would have it Christmas morning and I have to say he did a great job, I absolutely love it! The only thing that could have made Christmas better was for him to actually be here.

Speaking of Branden, we are getting so much closer. Still can not post and actual day, for OPSEC¬†reasons, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think these last few weeks are harder than all the rest of the deployment at this point. I think it is just because I am done, I am ready to be a family again. I want to just be mommy and not mommy/daddy. I am ready for my best friend and partner to be back. I know he is ready too. He is tired and misses his kids and misses me and he just wants to be home. It makes for very sad conversations lately. There has been a lot of homecomings since October and I will be honest (hell it is my blog, I can say whatever I want!) I am happy those guys are home, I am happy that they are a whole family unit again. I am happy their kids get to see them. And I am happy they are safe. BUT…. I am jealous. I want it to be my turn. I am tired of hearing it is not my turn yet. In the last two years, the longest stretch I have had is 4 months. Between basic, ait, him moving here without us, training for deployment and then deployment itself, I have done my share. I have done “my turn” plus some. I want it over now! But it is coming, not soon enough, but it is coming. I have gone almost 26 months since we have started this journey, I can finish up this last little leg. Then hopefully he will be ours for awhile. I am not so silly to think he will never deploy again, I just pray every night that when he comes home to us, it will be for a little while. We are ready for Uncle Sam to learn to share a little better and give us our turn now!

So that has been our life the last few months, well as brief as I could make it. I am hoping to keep this up better. Maybe the sitting on Jack’s floor time will make me take a few minutes each night to do this!

Published in: on December 26, 2011 at 8:14 pm  Comments (1)  

the cutest relationship ever!!!!!

First off I will start by saying things have been BUSY here! I have been super neglectful of my blog. It seems that there is always stuff that happens that I could write about, but at night when I sit down to write, I am just too tired to form the words together. I can’t believe that my last post was like two months ago! Since then Kinsy has started gymnastics and soccer, we finally fought enough to get her into speech therapy, she will start 3 day preschool next week, she has learned to sing the songs from Little Mermaid and does so all the time, her room has changed from princesses to butterflies and flowers, she STILL carries her princesses everywhere with us just in a different purse now since she wore the strap out on the last one! Jack has learned how to run and climb, he is a little daredevil that has no fear and I am pretty sure sets out to give me at least¬†one heart attack a day! His room changed from a baby theme with stars, to a big boy bed set¬†that has trucks, planes and trains! He talks and walks and is in the process of mastering the tantrum,¬†so far the only thing that stops him in the middle of it is if I start to critique his way of doing it. Like telling¬†him he should be laying down and kicking his feet, he just looks at me like I am crazy when I do that!¬†Branden came home for R&R and spent two weeks here. None of that two weeks went as planned as he was sick, I had strep throat for a week and Kinsy had an ER visit for another ear infection and Jack teething all four molars during it. All on top of trying to still travel and not having the places we were going be very cooperative (like closing on a random day that we were on our way there!). In that two months we have been to Heidelberg twice to see the castle and then the church, the Freisen¬†Wildlife Park, Monte Mare for swimming, Wild Und¬†Wanderpark, numerous trips to Ramstein and even a quick trip to Spangdahlem¬†to pick up Yashira’s¬†car. We have had our friends leave for the states and still be there and we miss them tremendously. But we have made new friends that we are having a great time with! We had my birthday, which was spent with me and my two babies and two pieces of cake! lol Many trips to the Eis cafe, which is our favorite! Many, many more things I am sure that I am just not thinking of right now!

But I am getting off track, originally when I decided I wanted to blog today it was to talk about the cuteness that I am seeing almost daily now! I can’t help but gush about the relationship I see developing between Jack and Kinsy. I love to watch him walk up to her for random hugs now. It makes my heart melt to hear her tell him “It is okay boo, I am right here” when he is upset and crying. He is asking for da da¬†in the car after we left the airport and Kinsy leans over and grabs his hands and tells him “Boo, daddy had to go back to work, he isn’t here now”. I thought I was gonna break down in tears and have to pull over when I heard that! I still actually think it is cute to hear her playing in her room and hear him try to go in and hear the big sister “Leave me alone Jack! Get out of my room!”. I am sure there will come a time that I don’t think it is so cute anymore, but for now, I like it! I like knowing that if for some reason I can not comfort Jack, that he will now turn to his sister for it and she will be there to give him a hug and say “I love you baby Jack”. They are two and a half years apart, almost exactly, I am glad that they are spaced like this. I think it is perfect for them. My hope is that even though I know they are going to fight and not always get along, that they will always love and respect and protect each other. That no matter what, they will always remain friends. I want to see their relationship like that of me and my siblings. I want them to notice if they haven’t heard from the other one in too long. I want them to know what is going on in each other’s lives. I want them to know that no matter what it happening, they will ALWAYS be able to turn to the other one for love, support and acceptance. I am sure that this relationship is one that is going to continue to melt my heart for many more years to come. I am just so excited to see it starting to develop now and can’t wait to see what the future holds for my babies!

Published in: on September 8, 2011 at 5:42 pm  Comments (1)  

over it!!!

That is right, I said it, I am over this deployment!! I am ready for it to be done and over with already and we have not even hit the half way mark yet! I feel like I am on some emotional rollercoaster and no matter how loud I yell that I want off, it just keeps going and going and going. I know I am not the only one that feels like this. It doesn’t make it suck any less!

¬†Branden is missing sooo¬†much with his kids and some days that is very frustrating to me. I feel like the memories of their childhood will be mine only. Kinsy is so funny and so lovey. But she can be quite the pill also. She loves to give kisses to Jack and I. She just learned what best friends are and she tells me that Jack, Daddy, Roman and myself are her best friends. Then she told me I am allowed to be daddy’s best friend! She also is planning on marrying Roman, since he is her best friend and all. The girl is crazy for princess right now! Every toy, every movie and every outfit she wears revolves around princesses. She has 6 little ones that she carries EVERYWHERE with her in a purse. They have become my greatest weapon! Don’t do something mommy asks you to and you will lose a princess! It is amazing how much she is beginning to cooperate since I learned this. We have also officially hit the mimicking age, you really have to watch what you say and do around this girl, she will copy it all!¬† Then we have Jack…… he just turned one last Friday! My baby is now a toddler! He thinks he is hilarious and his smile will melt anyone and he knows that. He walks all over the place and now thinks he can run and climb stairs also. He refuses to let me feed him ANYTHING, he must do it by himself. Bottles are gone and we are officially on sippy cups and whole milk! He loves his big sister and thinks she hung the moon and wants to do everything just like her. And that includes the princesses, I have bought him all kinds of “boy” toys, but there will be atleast¬†one fight a day because he wants to play princesses with her! He now says Mama, dada, bye and is starting his own language as well.

I feel like there is so much I want to say on here tonight, but my mind is just too jumbled, it has been on of those days. I guess I am just feeling lonely and homesick and tired of being a “Single” parent. I just wish I had Branden to talk it over with, but on days like today that he is “too tired” and “too sore” to talk… I just get frustrated, I feel those things too…. but it doesn’t make me¬† not want to talk to him. Quite honestly, the kids don’t care how tired or sore I am… I have to keep trucking…. so I get frustrated when I can’t vent because he is tired.

Oh well…. tomorrow will come and we will make it through it. We will keep moving forward!

Published in: on July 11, 2011 at 6:57 pm  Leave a Comment  

babies, babies everywhere I look, except at home!

So I am currently getting things together for Jack’s first birthday party. Yes, you read that right, his first birthday party! My baby boy is going to be one year old, my last baby. I am not sure how I feel about this to be completely honest. I love that he is starting to talk and express himself. I love the personality that is coming out, he is such a little flirt and gonna be a charmer! I love that he is starting to walk. All of these things he is doing, I love, I know they are his “big boy” milestones. But the actual birthday party, him being one, I am not sure I am handling that well. I had all these big plans for his first birthday. All the things I was going to order, decorations, games, banners, etc – but I kept putting it off. Suddenly the other day it occurred¬†to me that I have 3 weeks. Less than one month to plan this! I can forget ordering stuff now, it will never make it here in time! I am also going to make his birthday invitations on my own. I finally went today and got all the stuff I will need to make them. Last night I sat up until 11 pm designing them and trying them out with scrap paper. Now all I have left for the decorations is to take the “perfect” picture to put on them. I am enlisting the help of my friend Kylie for this. She takes fabulous pics and I really want one of Jack in his cowboy hat, so I think it will take me putting it on him and distracting him so he will leave it there and then Kylie to take the pic! I also got the table-cloth¬†and the plastic plates today. On Monday I will meet with the lady that is going to make his cake to go over some designs. I am going to go with a cowboy themed birthday for his first birthday. I really hope this turns out like I am imaging it. I just really wish that Branden could be here to celebrate with us, as well as the rest of our family. This will be the first time we have had to celebrate some kind of major event all on our own. Thankfully I have plenty of friends to help us celebrate! Another thing that finally occurred to me tonight as I was sitting here going over my list for Jack’s birthday, I have to buy him a birthday gift!!! To be honest, I have NO IDEA what to get him! Our options here are so limited and I always seem to buy little things for the kids when we are out anyways. So what can I possibly get Jack?? He has enough clothes, I just bought him new shoes. We have no yard for big boy toys. I want his first birthday gift from Mommy and Daddy and sissy to be something good, but I have no idea what!! I guess I will be looking at Target.com tonight and hoping I can find something and get it shipped here in time!

Another little fact that my husband will probably wring my neck for, if he were to ever read this! lol – I have been noticing brand new babies everywhere I go.¬† I swear, everyone and their sister must be having babies right now! They are so cute and they are so tiny! I find myself in public places just sitting and staring at these brand new babies and just wanting to snuggle them. I hear a newborn cry and I get all mushy inside. I really do NOT want another baby. I am happy with my little family the way it is, I swear. But these new babies are just making me all mushy inside. Tonight when we were in Ramstein I was noticing not only the babies but all of these pregnant ladies that look like they are due anytime and was thinking back to where I was a year ago. I was done and huge and hot and swollen. All I wanted was for it to be time for Jack to be here. Now I remember the sweet things like what it was like to feel him move around in me. I don’t want to be pregnant again, but I am kind of sad I will never have those feeling again, or never have that new baby to snuggle up to me and think I am the whole world. Or smell that sweet smell of my new baby. No baby smells quite the same as your own baby. I am gonna chalk all these crazy notions up to Jack turning one! I am sure that I am just sad that my last baby, my baby boy, is moving on and going to become a toddler! A few more weeks and I will be the mom of a preschooler and a toddler. Seems like not long ago I was reading that first pregnancy test and wondering if I should tell Branden before or after our planned motorcycle ride that we were going to be parents (for the record I woke him up before and his first comment was we were still going on our ride that day! lol).

I love my kids and I love being Mommy, I am sure this will not be the last time that I have these feelings. They are gonna keep growing no matter what I do and we will keep “graduating” to those next steps. I am sure I will be a little sad for every step we leave behind. But for now I am more curious about the little people who¬†are just coming into themselves. And if right now is a preview of what we have coming… well I have two very funny and very independent¬†little people on my hands, I am sure I will never have a dull moment!

Published in: on June 17, 2011 at 7:06 pm  Leave a Comment  

other blogs….

For awhile I think I may¬†have been obsessed with all the other blogs I followed! I would get online every night and check them all before I went to bed to see if there were any new and interesting posts. Then life just kind of happened and I did not have time to do that anymore. About the same time I quit always looking at other blogs, I also ran out of ideas for this one. I just didn’t know what to write about anymore and the blogs didn’t just form in my head as the day went on. Well tonight I was sitting here, bored¬†of Facebook and bored with¬†the baby center site. I decided that it was time I checked out all my subscriptions to blogs again. You know what?? I missed A LOT! Not only a lot of interesting blogs and interesting ideas for me to write about, but I realized that I missed my “friends”. Yes I know that I have never, ever met these people and I know that they do not know that I exist. But when you are reading about their lives daily and about their children and all their trials and tribulations. Or you read their thoughts of the day, well you start to feel like you know them maybe just a little bit. I loved looking through them after months and seeing how much their kids have grown! Or looking at the one of the baby with cancer and seeing how well she is doing, for a long time she really had a piece of my heart. I am happy to see that she is thriving and adjusting to her new life of chemo and lots and lots of hospital visits and dr visits. I still hope that she can be “cured” and I will continue checking in on her as long as her mommy and daddy continue to update us! It is funny the attachment you kind of start to feel to people you have never meant and never will meet. I wonder if I make that difference. I do not have the reader base that some of these others have. And usually it is just my friends that read this. But what if someone I don’t know just stumbles across this…. has any of my posts made them feel part of my family? Has any of my posts made them want to come back in and check up on us occasionally? I hope that answer is yes, to me that means that I have the ability to not just put my feelings in words on a computer, but also to maybe make some one else feel them also. That to me is amazing. I have a friend who blogs and I absolutely love reading her stuff. The reason why….. ??? Well it is because she is so talented at putting the story so I feel like I am there. I love reading about her kids and seeing pics of them grow, I feel like I am part of it. The stories she tells about her life, I feel like I can totally relate to how she was feeling. I strive to be able to write like she does! (Jennie you know I am talking about you!! :>) )

Basically my whole point of this tonight was that going back and reading those made me feel good. It is something I will have to make a point of doing again. I don’t know why I put so much effort into things like Facebook or baby center…. reading all the blogs is much more enjoyable! And maybe, just maybe by reading all of those, I will start to get ideas for here again. My blog is a little neglected and seems to need some TLC! I hope to see you all much more! ūüôā

**¬† I did read through this after I posted it, I noticed my spelling errors and grammar errors. I was going to correct them and then I thought… naw…. it is me right now. I am a tired momma. Sometimes writing and talking incorrectly are the only things my brain can do at that time. So I left it. But I did want to say…. I really am not that dumb, but I am that tired! lol

Published in: on June 11, 2011 at 8:43 pm  Comments (2)  

heartache…

Every day I wake up and my first thought of the day is Branden and praying for his safety and every night my last thought is the same. Some days during this deployment I feel like I am on top of this, that I have this deployment completely under control. Other days, I feel like throwing a middle finger up and saying “F*** you deployment, you win!”. For the most part, we just stick to our routine and make it through one day at a time. But occasionally I have those days or those moments, where missing him is an actual pain. Not just a passing thought or a wish you were here moment, but an actual hurt. There are times that my chest feels tight, my heart actually feels like it is aching. I never know what is gonna bring on that pain. It may be the kids doing something super cute that I suddenly realize he is missing or like today…. Memorial Day….. a day of constant reminders of my soldier and the sacrifices he is making. I love my soldier and I am proud of him and the sacrifices he makes. Some days though I just wish for a normal life. We had that once, we were able to always be together and BBQ on weekends and hang out with our friends and see our families. But then¬†we never had that sense of pride that we have now. We would have never been able to live in Europe.¬†We wouldn’t be able to have a true hero in our lives. As hard as this life is, I don’t want to change it. I think this is what he was meant to do. I think being an Army wife is what I was meant to do. I think that my children will be strong enough to handle this life and the separations¬†from their dad. So on this day… I just want to say thank you. Thank you to my husband, my brother, my uncles that served and grandfathers that served. Also thank you to all the men and women that are currently serving.¬†The biggest thank you goes to the men and women that gave their lives for our freedoms and their families for being strong enough to stand behind them and be left behind. On this¬†Memorial Day, even though my heart is aching from missing him so much, I will remember you all and pray for the safety of the ones serving and for peace for the families of the heroes left behind. Happy Memorial Day. And Branden Payne, I love you, I will always love you, you hold the key to my heart now and forever. I will always be home waiting for the day that we get to see you again!

Published in: on May 30, 2011 at 7:24 pm  Leave a Comment